August 16, 2011

Most Eligible Dallas

Where do I begin in my assessment of the premiere last night of Bravo's Most Eligible Dallas? Craptastic? Eye-gougingly obnoxious?

As a result of last night's debut, I'm even more embarrassed than usual that I live in Dallas. Let me introduce the cast of characters:

  • A one-time third-string quarterback from UT whom I believe now works for his daddy
  • A free-agent football player who's been on so many NFL teams in a decade he can't keep count, now looking to jump-start a modeling career (he's gorgeous—and boy, does he know it!—but his abs are actually scary)
  • A gay ex-fattie who takes bragging about wealth to a new level and also injects himself daily with so much female hormone (to stay thin) he could pass a pregnancy test
  • A woman in denial about her love for the third stringer
  • Another woman, this one with the redeeming quality of loving animals, unfortunately mitigated by her tremendous pride in living two blocks from George W. Bush
  • A single mother who had the temerity to go out on the town and enjoy an evening with [supposed] grown-ups rather than her one-year-old baby, leaving the woman in denial in a state of apoplectic seizure.

It seemed very odd to me that the sub-text of that last related to how many of the adults the single mother knew. Turns out she only knew one of the five because she's newly back in town. According to these Brilliant Lights of Dallas, a single mother may only leave her baby with a sitter if she knows everybody at the table, leaving me to wonder whether these personages ever had baby sitters when they were young, or if their moms and dads never left the house after dark.

Rachael loved Most Eligible Dallas. I hated it, so much, in fact, that it made me long for the return of Rachel Zoe, perhaps the whiniest, most annoying toothpick on the planet. Harold...somewhere in the middle.


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